Warning: Highly sexual, highly embarrassing content ahead.
This is just something silly I've been writing during quarantine. The idea came to me like a month ago when I saw @suoiresnu 's Vampiress OC, Jude. I thought she was totally hot (because I'm a loser like that), and spent the whole night feeling a vague loneliness and interest in vampire chix.
Suda51 (of Lolipop Chainsaw and Killer7 fame) considers the first No More Heroes game a sort of writing dump, it was just this funnel for every silly stupid idea he came out. This story was sort of the same way for me, months of sexual frustration and stupid jokes I couldn't fit anywhere else poured into this dumb story. I hope you all enjoy reading it!
I sat staring at my computer in horror. I had never seen such an image before. My head was racing, my heart pounding, and everything spun around me. This feeling, so strong, stronger than anything I’d felt before. I was being bewitched, my entire being felt as though it was trapped in the web of a horrifically omnipresent spider. The website, Newgrounds.com. Sure, I was no stranger to… adult art on there; hell, my favorites page was practically the Guggenheim of Hentai. This, though, this was different. Staring back at me was a sexy vampire lady, posed in an adorable lunge. Everything about her was perfect, I was in awe. The short hair, the slim figure, her adorable face, those small-but-mouth-watering breasts, the dripping personality, perfection.
I now knew why I was put on this earth. I had no reason to deal with all the hot singles in my area, they were all the same. Out of town girls couldn’t understand me, and space girls were as cold as ice—they would kiss me once and kiss me twice. No, I was on this great earth to court a sexy girlfriend of the night. And not a girl of the night like one of those who post on their Snapchat about how hard it is livin with a man from the streets. every night he come home drugged up, bitches throwin puss at him. troubles with cops. But when he show you that love, it’s all worth it. No, this girl would be classy, stylish, and would give great head. Get it, because vampires suck? Like sucking dick? Get it? Anyway, I had to devise a plan. I watched numerous hours of vampire girl porn, mainly that one hentai clip—you know the one, to figure out how these undead women worked. I decided that I would have to look as nerdy and impotent as possible if I wanted a hot vampire lady to hold me down and fuck me. My training for this was no easy task. *eye of the tiger plays* I spent the next two weeks drinking as much soda as possible to get acne and went out daily to stare at the sun so I could get glasses. It was painful, but it was worth it. I’m not sure what else to write, so just imagine an epic rocky-style montage. *eye of the tiger fades out*
It was time. October 31st, all hallows eve. Man, being in a story sure was convenient. I donned my geekiest pajamas, put my glasses on the bedside table, and left the window open unreasonably wide. As I began to drift off to sleep, an imposing figure stood in my window. I caught a glimpse of a tall, dark shadow looming over me. It, no, she approached me. As she crept towards me, her figure became more apparent. Wide hips, large firm breasts, short spiky hair, red eyes, wings. Trick. Or. Treat. An intensely invigorating feeling flooded my body. An icy chill gripped my soul as the murky figure approached my bedside. I was losing control, and my strength seemed to drain as this vampire lumbered towards me. I was so getting laid tonight! The vampo girl opened her mouth and let out an “I vant to suck your dick! Ahaha!” Well, she may not have had a great sense of humor, but I could live with that. I fell into a deep sleep, and as I shut my eyes, felt a warm sensation at the tip of my penis.
Oh man this was great. I was gonna die having sex. If only this bat lady were someone’s mom, I’d have the greatest things to say on Xbox Live. The sensation really was unlike any other. My body was overheating, but the feeling of my pants being pulled down and the girl’s mouth engulfing my length was overtly refreshing, as well as overwhelmingly pleasurable. I let out a muted-yet-sharp moan, and immediately froze up. The vampiress lifted her mouth off my cock and spoke with a smug grin. “Ah, I had a feeling you were awake…” Her voice was incredible. It was sultry and had a low edge to her otherwise feminine tone. It was stern, comforting and sexy. I looked up, making eye contact. “That’s fine. I’m glad you’re enjoying this. Well, I’ll be blunt with you, boy. I’m going to bite your neck at the end of this. Goes without saying, but you’ll become a vampire and the life will drain from you. I figure I owe it to you to at least take your V-Card before I kill you, eh? And, it’s an easy way to circumvent the dating scene, god I hate talking to people, I’m literally so awkward, like this coronavirus thing literally doesn’t even affect me…” This was so hot, it was exactly my fantasy! An attractive vampire girl was going to have sex with me, turn me into one of her own, and make me her vampire husband. I’d finally get to wear those Hellsing sunglasses I bought! Midway-thru my premature fantasizing, she spoke again. “By the way, my name is Julia. Just so you don’t have to keep coming up with interesting ways to refer to the nameless female vampire character, in order to keep the prose from getting repetitive.” Julia truly was considerate.
Now I was fully awake. Have sex with me and turn me into one of her own? Vampire? I barely know ‘er! “Woah there, sister!” I nearly shouted. “Look, Julia… You’re a hot vampire lady, that I cannot deny. The thought of you biting my neck and riding me into submission turns me on so much, but don’t you want to get to know me first?” Julia looked dejected. A look of pure humility stretched out across her face. I may have been too harsh. “Not that you’re at fault here, I mean who wouldn’t want to have sex with me?” I preached. “I just think we should wait until we truly love one another before you turn me into your undead husband. Besides, isn’t sex before marriage, like, against the bible?” Julia smiled a sly smirk. “Well… I see your point, maybe we can go on a date or something, although to quote MF DOOM I’m ‘not quite the type that you might want to wine and dine.” She was, in fact, dumb fine, so the reference worked. “However, lucky for you I’m not a catholic!” Suddenly, Julia ripped off her sexy Gothic attire and hopped all up on this dick.
She lifted herself on top of me, hovering over me, and gave me a deep kiss. The kiss was like nothing else, a strong fuzziness shot through my body, and I felt myself melting into her embrace. “That was so hot” I exclaimed. I was totally hers, but she couldn’t know that. Otherwise, this story would be over too quick. “Trust me babe, you haven’t seen hot yet” Julie moaned, crawling towards me. She lowered her vagina over my erect penis. I felt the head of my penis push through a tight space, and suddenly I was engulfed in the most pleasurable sensation I’d ever felt. The warm wetness of Julia’s vagina surrounded my length, gripping tightly. Julia let out a sharp moan, and I couldn’t help but groan under my breath. We kissed again, and coming out of that kiss, Julia whimpered the words “I’m going to start moving now”. She started off slow, easing up and then dropping back down on me. I was in heaven. Slowly, she sped up and we were moaning louder than even your most annoying college neighbors. Before long, we both reached our climax.
“Jules. I think I’m going to cum…”
“Yeah, I am to-Wait what did you just call me?”
“Sorry, sorry, I thought we were close enough for that…”
“Oh uh yeah, it just caught me by surprise is all!”
Before the awkward moment could finish, I finished. Inside her. An intense pressure built up in my tip, swelling inside her as Julia’s pussy seemed to only tighten around me. I came hard, and judging by her moans, she did as well. It was a SHAKING ORGASM HOT SHORT HAIRED VAMPIRE TINDER DATE FUCKED ME AND CREAMPIED AFTER JUST COMING IN THROUGH MY WINDOW kind of orgasm. I’m not sure what the tags were, but it was only my first time so give me a fucking break ok? We kissed once more and fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The next morning, I awoke to shrill screaming. It was Julia, burning up due to the sunlight flooding into my room. Shit, I left the curtains open, didn’t I? That reminded me “Honey, how are we gonna have a date if you, you know, can’t go outside in the sun?”
“Easy! We just do it at night!”
“How are we going to have a cutesy beach day at night?”
“Well, we’re going to sneak into the beach at night, and have the biggest, bestest beach date ever! AND, we’re going to leave all our trash on the ground so whatever poor sap has morning cleanup duty will have to pick up like a gazillion empty bottles that totally should have been gotten by night crew!”
Julia was such a naughty girl, I loved this side of her.
We went to sleep for another eight hours, and probably had sex again at some point, but it’s like 3AM and I’m not an erotica author so idk sue me. At 8PM, the sun was just beginning to set. Julia and I gleefully stepped outside and into my car, making our way to the beach. Driving to the beach was rad because I had some Sublime on, and the two of us like jammed out. It was rad. Once at the beach, Julia set up a beach blanket and some chairs. We sat together and kissed. Eventually, the two of us decided to go skinny dipping, because bathing suits are no fun. We took two boogie boards out into the ocean, past where the waves broke. The massive dark expanse of warm ocean, seemingly stretching out endlessly in all directions was simultaneously comforting and profoundly terrifying. Julia floated towards me, her chest pressed down on her boogie board. We floated together for a moment and embraced. Her chest touched mine and I wanted her. Julia looked at me for a while and said, “My skin is paler than yours”. Eventually, we left the water, and thankfully I had no old vengeful French man tagging along to rope me into gang violence.
We dried off and sat back in our beach chairs. Julia and I sat watching the moonset, it was a beautiful gradient of black, black and black, accented by a slight black bleeding through. All of the trees were black silhouetted against the black sky, and the stars were dull and dim even though this wasn’t dumb old stupid Texas. Julia looked back at me, and I gazed into her eyes. “Julia… I think I love you”. Julia squealed with glee, but not like the typical teenage girl squee. Like a bat squeal, it was weird but totally turned me on in a strange way. It was cool though. Look, I’m not a furry ok? I just like women. WOMEN, ok? Julia asked me why I was angrily typing a DM to some guy on Discord™, but I told her not to worry about it.
Anyways, Julia hugged me tight, and almost sobbed into my shoulder. For once in my life, I could tell I’d made someone truly happy. It felt great to have a purpose. “Oh yes, Sam! I love you too! Let’s be together forever!” Finally, a promise in life I could keep. I always felt bad when my friends gave me the same “stay in drugs, don’t do school” line, because it was a promise I could never keep. Many died and cried over my broken promises, but this dame would be different. Yeah, I was a changed man. I then kissed a still wishy-washy Julia on her cheek “how’s about we go back to my place, and get this wikkid Vampire wedding underway, huh babe?” She agreed.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my trusty Plot Device! I pressed a button, and in a moment we were back home in my bed. A gothic organ sounded, as Julia took me in her arms. She stared into my eyes, and I felt the world around me turning to static as Julia used her hot fucking vampire stare* to pacify. I watched on in excited fear as her fangs deployed, making a path for my exposed neck. Was this it? Was I gonna forfeit my life for a cute girl? Before I could finish my overly dramatic thought, I felt her lips touch my neck. A strange sensation appeared in the area her mouth touched, and-
“HAHAHAHAHAHA” It was tickling me. Julia couldn’t bite me, but it really really tickled. “Stop it!” I cried “You’re tickling me!” Julia looked really upset.
“Is that what you think of me? Funny? Am I some kind of clown? A funny guy? It was supposed to be morose and imposing!”
“No, baby, no, I liked it, it was just tickling me, I’m sorry.” Julia looked away. She visibly deflated.
“God, I’m never gonna be a scary vampire…”
“No baby, no, you’re my scary vampire!”
“Gosh, you’re just saying that to get me into bed! You men are all the same!”
“I thought I was your fir-“
Before I could finish that thought, Julia had fled. “Go go gadget bat wing!” she said, before turning into a bat and flying out the window.
“JULIAAAAA!” I dramatically yelled out my window. The camera panned away from a shot of my surprised face as a solemn piano melody played, and the screen faded to black.
*see Hellsing (2001) episode 1.
